I had this year planned out, this was going to be my year.....The year Mamas little secret really took off. Except life had a different plan in store, one that would test me to my limits.
My dad was taken seriously ill, suddenly on the 5th Feb and our family was thrown into a whirlwind of uncertainty, late nights, and hospital visits. How do you cope?
When do you get time to feel?
When do we get time to hurt?
How do I carry on, as if all is well?
My heart is heavy and my mind in turmoil .
I look at my 3, they bring me so much joy. They are so busy, and they keep me busy.....they carry on without a care in the world, little do they know mine feels like its falling apart.
Why can't I enjoy them, why do I find it so hard to laugh with them? Ok sometimes I do, then the guilt that I'm living and enjoying life, when my Dad is suffering, my Mum is suffering.
Being the eldest I hold myself together, I'm there, I'm the rock amongst the madness, the reasoning.
I've lost my dad beyond recognition, he's half the man he used to be, he's loosing his fight, his will.
I've lost my Mum to my dad and quite rightly so. My girls have lost their Nanny & Grandad and a little bit of me too, as I'm constantly distracted with what ifs, and how can I's.
How do you cope with this, how do you cope with carrying on? who do you turn too when you're parents are the ones going through illness.
When do we grieve, why do I feel I need to put on a brave face? I just wanna scream 'enough is enough!'
Dad is still fighting on, but how do you carry on making sure your children aren't affected?
Trying to make things as normal for them, when I just want to stay in bed and give up, even if its just for a while.
When do we, as parents get our relief?
When does this loosen its suffocating grip, when can we breathe again!
Its hard juggling many things, life, kids, job, business, relationships, whilst doing my best to support my Mum.
For years its my Mum that has been poorly, and just like that, the tables have turned and my Mum has lost her 'rock' the person she counted on to look after her, her business partner. I think this is why its hit us hard, we wasn't expecting this,(I guess no one ever is) especially of my dad.
He has been in hospital since 5th Feb, he is now depressed and unwilling to help himself, he suffers with panic attacks, calling Mum at 4.30am because he thought he was going to die because of the sensation he was feeling. That he needed to hear her voice one last time. How do you get over hearing your dad talk like that, saying we'd be better off, we can all get on with our lives.
Dad has now had several operations, and has a few more to get through yet. But for now he is out, and most importantly stable. Now I'm out of the eye of the storm I can let everyone know how I was feeling. It was too raw before, and I felt like I would of collapsed if I admitted how I was coping.
But for now I am grateful that Dad found the strength to keep fighting on, I'm grateful for the NHS and eternally grateful for my little families health. Im being reflective and taking advice from the old man, not to regret things and spend some quality time with my little loves.
With this in mind, I'm taking a break from social media and shutting up shop for a few weeks, so I can concentrate on making memories with them, and if you can't do it when you're a Mumboss, when can you?!
Hopefully, you will all still be here when I get back.....Adios, see you on the other side!!